- Boston Red Sox
Just signed Pablo Sandoval, have to figure out what to do with Garin Cecchini, and A-Rod in Boston just isn’t the idea that it was back when he almost got traded for Manny Ramirez.
- Seattle Mariners
Just gave Kyle Seager a $100-million extension, and it wouldn’t exactly be like Ken Griffey Jr.’s homecoming.
- Texas Rangers
Adrian Beltre remains excellent at third base, and paying A-Rod unconscionable sums of money went out of style in Texas more than a decade ago.
- New York Rangers
A-Rod does not play hockey.
- Tampa Bay Rays
Evan Longoria plays third base there, and spending about half of your team payroll on two third basemen generally is not a good idea.
- Oakland A’s
Can’t risk the chance that A-Rod would demand the team be called the A’s-Rods.
- Cincinnati Reds
Can’t risk the chance that A-Rod would demand the team be called the A-Reds.
- Los Angeles Dodgers
Can’t risk the chance that A-Rod would demand the team be called the A-Dods.
- Toronto Blue Jays
He’s A-Rod, not Eh-Rod.
- Philadelphia Phillies
A-Rod is one of the few players who would actually make the Phillies’ lineup older. Stay away.
- San Francisco Giants
It might be tempting, after losing Pablo Sandoval in free agency, but actually, it’s not at all tempting to add a right-handed hitter with declining power to a team that plays at AT&T Park.
- Florida State Seminoles
It’s the one way that they could become even bigger heels, but A-Rod is a Miami guy through and through. It just wouldn’t work.
- Colorado Rockies
On the plus side, A-Rod is familiar with the area from when he had hip surgery in Vail. On the minus side, it’s a terrible idea.
- Detroit Tigers
As much as horrific defense at third base has been a thing in the Motor City over the past few seasons, it’s a thing that the Tigers would actually like to stop having be a thing.
- Chicago Cubs
Haven’t they had enough misery?
- Houston Astros
You may be surprised to learn that analytics do not favor acquiring a 39-year-old third baseman who has had major health issues in two of the last three seasons he played.
- Atlanta Braves
It would be fun to see the look on Chipper Jones’ face, but no.
- Team America World Police
A-Rod may move like a marionette these days, but crime-fighting hasn’t so much been his jam.
- St. Louis Cardinals
While it would be wonderfully exciting for everyone outside of St. Louis to see the Best Fans In Baseball suddenly become huge A-Rod supporters, it’s just not the Cardinal Way.
- New York Mets
If not for the fact that David Wright already plays third base in Queens, this would only be a catastrophic idea instead of a cataclysmic one.
- Miami Marlins
Actually trying to be a legitimate baseball team now, so that dream is over.
- Cleveland Spiders
Not existing since 1899 puts a real damper on any chances of adding A-Rod to the roster.
- Minnesota Twins
No.
- Paris St-Germain
Non.
- Dynamo Moscow
Nyet.
- Milwaukee Brewers
Major League Baseball would never allow the two masterminds of the Biogenesis scandal to be teammates. Is “masterminds” the right word?
- Philadelphia 76ers
They’re doing just fine making a mockery of the NBA on their own, thank you very much.
- Washington Nationals
Having A-Rod in the same city as Congress and Daniel Snyder is just too much.
- New York Jets
A-Rod was a high school quarterback, and his misdeeds are nothing compared to what Michael Vick did, so… DO IT, JETS!
