For instance, you might count to 5 and then picture yourself spending time with your best friend or cuddling with your dog.
You might say, “I remember our conversation clearly, and you told me you were coming straight home after work. I understand that you don’t remember, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. ” Similarly, you could say, “Last week you told me the project was due at the end of the month, so I wrote that on my calendar. I will be happy to move the deadline up to accommodate the new schedule, but this is the first time I’m hearing about it. ”
Say, “Why do you always joke that I’m lazy? What’s funny about it?” or “Do you think your comments about my weight help our relationship? What are you hoping will happen?”
They might say something like, “I can’t believe you let the house get like this. I’m so disappointed in you. ” You might reply, “I’m proud of myself for getting through these past 2 weeks with everything I had on my plate. ” Similarly, they could say, “You’re such a failure, and I feel like I’m carrying your weight. ” You might say, “Actually, I got 2 new clients this quarter and improved my numbers. I feel great about my accomplishments. ”
Say, “It’s not okay for you to make jokes about me. If this is going to work, you need to treat me with kindness. ” You could also say, “I really value my position at this company, and your comments are undermining my authority. We both need to respect each other for this business relationship to work. ”
You might say, “I can see that you’re still upset about what happened, but I don’t think arguing about it is productive. Let’s both take a few minutes to collect our thoughts. ”
Write down things that the gaslighter typically questions. For instance, record names and dates that they tell you or the details of your conversations. Be sure to hide your journal so they can’t alter your entries, if that’s a concern.
For example, you might notice that your partner tends to engage in gaslighting when you try to talk to them when they’re tired. You might have a better conversation if you wait until they’re well-rested. Similarly, you may notice that your boss tends to gaslight you when end-of-the-quarter pressures are high, so you might try moving your project deadlines to earlier in the quarter.
You might tell them, “I know you don’t remember this conversation the same way that I do. Let’s just agree to disagree about what happened because neither of us is going to change our minds. ”
For instance, consider breaking up with a partner who gaslights you on a regular basis. If your boss or coworker is a gaslighter, start searching for a new job. If a family member gaslights you, spend more time with loved ones who support you and reduce how often you see the gaslighter.
You might say, “I love you so much, but right now our relationship feels rocky. Will you go to couple’s counseling with me so we can build a stronger relationship?” Your partner will likely be resistant to the idea of counseling. You might be able to get them on board by showing them how it will help them. Say, “We’ll communicate better if we go to counseling,” or “I think a counselor would help us fight less, so you’ll probably feel less stressed, too. "
You might say, “If you criticise me, I’m going to walk away,” or “If you’re going to question my memory, I’m going to block your phone calls. ”
For instance, host a game night, go out to dinner, or go bowling with your friends. Try to do at least 1 fun event each week. Being around people who support you will help you see your value as a person.
For example, take an art class, learn to crochet, or join a recreational sports team.
For instance, you might catch yourself thinking, “I’m always a disappointment. ” Counter that with, “I work hard and have achieved a lot, so I’m not going to let one person’s negativity get me down. ”
Ask your doctor to refer you to a therapist or look for one online. Your therapy appointments may be covered by insurance, so check your benefits.
