Any time you’re trying to control someone’s feelings, you’re being manipulative. For example, you might say something like, “If you really love me, you’ll stay home with me tonight,” “My friends can’t believe you treat me this way,” or “I hate it when we work together because I have to do more than my share. ” The purpose of these statements is to get the other person to do something for you.
For example, you might have said, “I’m going to stay in tonight. ” Later, you might tell the person you’re manipulating, “I meant that I wanted us to hang out at home tonight. ” Similarly, your coworker may have told you her part of a shared project will be late because the client rescheduled a meeting. You might manipulate your boss into seeing you more favorably by saying, “I finished my assignment 3 days ago, but I’m chasing her around to get her to finish the report. I might just have to do it myself. "
You might maintain control temporarily by withholding something from someone, but they’ll eventually pull away from you. For example, you might say something like, “Don’t contact me until you’re ready to apologize,” or “I’m not helping with the housework again unless you admit you were wrong. ”
For instance, let’s say you missed a doctor’s appointment because you overslept. Instead of accepting that it was your fault because you missed your alarm, you might blame your partner for keeping you up too late or not waking you up. If they take on the blame, you don’t have to feel bad about your mistake.
As an example, you may say, “I don’t think I have anything going on Saturday night,” instead of telling your friend you want to go see a movie with them. As another example, let’s say you’re unhappy that some of your coworkers went out to lunch without you. A healthy way to handle this would be to talk to them directly to tell them that you’re interested in going next time. However, you might attempt to manipulate the situation instead by gossiping about the person who organized the lunch or trying to get them in trouble for something unrelated.
While this can work temporarily, it’s likely people will eventually catch on. When this happens, you might lose your friends. It’s better to be honest with people. For instance, you might become your parents’ favorite by telling them nice things and pretending to always act perfectly while also telling them every time your siblings act up and making up stories to make your siblings look bad. Similarly, you might get everyone to exclude a coworker you don’t like by telling everyone that they spread rumors even though you’re the one who is actually gossiping.
It’s okay to take some time on your own to work through your feelings. It’s hard to change your behavior, so allow yourself to take baby steps. Usually, people aren’t intentionally manipulative—typically, you’re just repeating old patterns that you might have learned from your family or old relationships. [7] X Expert Source Allison Broennimann, PhDClinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 14 December 2020. If you’re in the middle of talking to someone when you recognize the behavior, you don’t have to explain yourself. Just say, “I’m sorry to interrupt our conversation, but I need a few minutes to think. ” Alternatively, you could just excuse yourself to the restroom for some privacy.
For example, you might want to go out on Friday night, but your partner might want to hang out with friends. Instead of guilting them into doing what you want, listen to their feelings on the situation. Then, find a way for you to both be happy, such as scheduling your date night for Saturday so that both of you can spend time with friends on Friday. If your partner isn’t able to help you work through your manipulation tactics, that’s fine—make sure you take responsibility for it on your own. [9] X Expert Source Allison Broennimann, PhDClinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 14 December 2020.
If something is really important to you, it’s okay to speak up for what you want. As an example, you might really want a work assignment that goes to someone else, but it’s not healthy to make up lies about that person to try to undermine their reputation at work. Although this might help you get the next project assignment, overall it will be bad for both your career and your reputation. Plus, it’s hurtful to the other person. Similarly, let’s say you’re off from work on Wednesday night and want to go out, but your partner wants to stay home. Instead of making them feel bad for not doing what you want, you could order takeout and watch a movie together instead.
Although it might make you feel bad at first, accepting responsibility for your own thoughts and actions can be empowering. For example, let’s say you’re feeling lonely and want your friend to come over even though they’re busy. Instead of saying something like, “I guess you don’t care about me after all” to manipulate them into coming over, you could do something fun by yourself. You might turn on your favorite movie or go shopping.
You can find a counselor or therapist online.
This is the most important step to stopping your manipulative behavior. Say, “I want you to call me more often,” “I want to change the division of our workload,” or “It hurts my feelings when I’m not invited to girls’ night. ” This way the person knows exactly what you want. Although they might not give it to you, it’s a starting point for a healthy compromise.
Let’s say you want your sister to watch your children so you can go out. If she says “no,” thank her and pursue other arrangements. Don’t say, “Wow, I guess you don’t like spending time with your nieces. ” Similarly, you might want your boss to let you take off on a busy work day, but they told you no. Don’t cry or say something like, “I should’ve known you’d say ’no’ because I’m the only one here who never gets to take a day off. "
For instance, don’t keep calling someone if they’ve expressed that they need a break. If you’re unhappy with your partner’s behavior, talk to them and try to seek a compromise. Don’t try to manipulate them into being the perfect partner for you. For example, you might want your partner to change the way they dress, but it’s manipulative to say, “Wow, you really look homeless today. Doesn’t it bother you that none of your coworkers think you look professional?” Instead, let them be who they want to be.
For instance, give a heartfelt “thank you” when a person gives you a gift. You might also return the gesture at a later time, when you’re able to. As another example, let’s say someone covered your shift at work so you could take off one day. The next time they need off, offer to cover their shift for them.
Let’s say you bought coffee for a coworker. Don’t expect them to buy you a coffee the next time they’re out. As another example, you might offer to watch someone’s children while they’re dealing with a difficult situation. Don’t expect them to pay you or offer you a gift in return, unless they offered to do so in advance.
